When I became the Guide here on About Adoption and Foster Care, I came at the topic very one sided and with only one point of view - that of an adoptive parent. Thankfully that didn't last as I was schooled by members of the forum, where I quickly learned that the adoption community consisted of adoptees, birth parents, as well as the adoptive parents. They each had a story to tell, and each adoption story was different. I am very thankful for that education, because now I can more clearly see both sides of an adoption or foster care issue.
I learned the value of three simple words - walk, mile, shoes.
I learned that while I may not always agree with someone's point of view, I could still learn and grow from it. Their perspective was usually born out of heartache or an experience that is often very unique to members of the adoption community, a community that exists on a foundation of loss because all adoptions start with a loss.
I started the blog regarding The Avengers movie to hear the perspectives of members of the adoption community and was shocked at the ugliness of the comments. Fifty-two comments and fourteen were offended by the adoption comment in the movie and all fourteen were able to communicate their feelings without one ugly word. But there were thirty-eight readers who stated that they were not offended, and only seven of those thirty-eight were able to communicate their view point in a healthy manner.
I have to admit, if I watched the movie, I probably would have laughed at the comment, but would have also wondered how it would impact those who may have been distanced from family with such a comment, because it made someone else more comfortable to only claim them if it was known that they were NOT blood related. Yes, I understand the point of the comment, as I'm sure others who were hurt by it understood.
It's not a matter of adoptive parents not preparing children for the real world, or the lack of mental capacity, or the inability to take a joke, understand context, or even the need for therapy.
It's about the fact that some people in this world have been labeled based solely on their adoption status. If you are an adoptee and did not experience this hurt, I'm happy for you. I can tell you that there are many adoptees who do not feel the same way.
Should adoption be off limits to jokes? No. But I do believe that it should be okay for someone in the adoption community to explain their point of view without being verbally attacked and belittled. There is value in those three words - walk, mile, shoes.
Photo courtesy of Chris Chmielewski
Photo courtesy of Chris Chmielewski
Photo © Carrie Craft, licensed to About.com, Inc.
Getty Images / Mario Lalich
Photo © Carrie Craft, licensed to About.com, Inc.
Author and foster mother, Cynthia Miller Lovell, contacted me about the book she wrote back in 1999, for younger foster children.