Here is an excerpt from an email I received from a reader asking for support and counsel on the topic of foster care adoption:
"My husband and I have been foster parents for several years. We have 3 biological children, the youngest is a son, age 13 and still at home. We currently have 2 foster boys, ages 11 & 15, who've been with us for just over a year. They've just become eligible for adoption and the state would like them in a permanent placement ASAP. I was ready to adopt them a week after they arrived. My husband, however, is not so sure.
The reason I'm writing is that sometimes you ask for ideas for your blog. Would you consider asking your readers for their stories of indecision? I know I'm not the first to be in this position and I'd like to know how others have handled it. How long did it take their spouses to decide and 'know for sure' that it was the right thing to do. Do most people adopt within a year of fostering, or does it take people longer to decide??
I understand that you get many emails and perhaps this isn't a subject that you would consider, but I hope you do! Your blog has helped me more than I could ever tell you. I really appreciate your hard work!"
From Carrie: I fully understand the heartache and stress that comes when trying to decide whether or not to adopt a child, especially when half of the family is against the idea of adopting the child. It can be a horrible position to be in, especially if you're on the fence about it and as a foster parent, it may be a decision you're faced with more than once. We've been there too, when one member of the family has no desire to make the lifetime commitment. It is the absolute worse place to be. Harder still is when one of your children has no interest in adding to your family through adoption, but you as parents are very interested in adopting.
I would suggest really communicating. Ask each family member - without the foster children present - about their concerns, fears, and hold-ups when it comes to adoption. How would they feel if you did adopt the child? How would they feel if you did not adopt the child?
The key to this conversation is to avoid manipulation. Do not guilt trip your spouse or child into seeing your point of view. If they do cave and go along with the adoption, how will they feel a year or so later? Will they resent you, the child, both? None of the above is fair, especially to the child and may destroy your marriage and family.
If your child is not agreeing to the adoption, listen to what they have to say, every one of their concerns should be taken seriously - even if you think the reasons are not valid, or even a bit silly. Listen.
- Consider your child's:
- Age
- Maturity
- Reasons against the adoption
Are their concerns something they may grow out of with time? IF you do go ahead with the adoption, consider any and all ramifications. Then thoughtfully make your decision.
Asking our foster and adoptive parenting community: Have you been faced with the decision on whether or not to adopt a foster child? Has your family been split on the decision? What helped you through the decision process? What advice would you offer this mother and family? Please share your kind thoughts, and advice in the comments area. PS. This isn't a space to post rants against these parents. All of these types of comments will be deleted.
Suggested Reading:
Cover art courtesy of EMK PRESS, The Foster Parenting Toolbox